Color Me Curmudgeon

I heard something while shopping in a department store the other day that made me want to drop my would-be purchases and incessantly box my ears while running for the door & screaming, "NOOO!"

Can you guess what it was?

I'll give you a hint - it's annoying & it stays in your head...

Doot-doot-dee-doot-doot-doot...

I don't even know the lyrics, and I don't want to.

It was...

A horrible Michael McDonald song.

There I said it - "horrible."

{This is for you, Josh.  I think you may actually care for him even less than I do, and I'm glad we agree that his voice is excruciating.}

Call me a curmudgeon for not liking the musac. 

Now, I’m going to take my turn at being a social critic & tell you what else I don't like, and you tell me if you agree:
*If you disagree, this is not a forum for debates.  Also, friends, do not use this list against me for your own amusement.  You will be sorry.

•   Spam.  The meat product AND the unsolicited kind.  Both are bad.
• The usage of the non-words:  "AnywayS" & "Irregardless" -- Look them up, because you're wrong-o.
• Sales assistants that hover & comment on my selections - Once upon a time I was one, and I know fake when I hear it.
• Wait staff with no charisma - I once heard a friend say he had a tip for his awful waitress and that tip was "Don't paint your toenails with your pantyhose on."  I intend to use this line only once in this life time, and I will reserve it for the most unpleasant server I encounter.
• Cashiers who sigh, don't acknowledge my children, and/or hand me my receipt crumpled with my change without counting it back to me.
• Passersby who stare at my itchy kids and stop me only to say, "Looks like ya got your hands full."  Duh.
• Josh, I love you, but please stop leaving me with a napkin sized piece of sheet when you roll over like a cocoon in the covers.
• Taxi drivers that take the long way and take advantage of us tourists - Karma, Mr. Las Vegas...
• The biggest fashion faux pas of them all - socks with sandals.  This physically pains my eyes.
• Racial slurs - Archie Bunkers, there's no room for bigotry in 2011.
• People who wear sunglasses inside - I'm sorry, are you Madonna?  She's the only one allowed to pull that off.
• A car salesman in a bad tie that won't let me just walk the lot
• Poor grammar - If you wanted to cross the "desert" would you do it twice?  NO, there are NOT two S's in deSert!  Dessert = cake, not the Sahara - certainly you might eat TWO pieces of cake.   Also, over “there” is a place, “their” is a possessive pronoun, and for Pete’s sake “they’re” is a conjunction for “they are!”
• People who take zero pride in their jobs – iron your shirt, be happy that you have that job, and remember you DO receive a pay check.
• People with access to a bath that refuse to take one - please, do humanity a favor.
• Fluorescent lighting - ouch…
• Noisy eaters - close your mouths, or maybe I should sit near you while eating at every meal as you help me lose my appetite.
• Scab & boogie pickers (and eaters of said dried bodily fluids) - just being honest, folks, they're annoying.
• Pajamas in public.  Gross.
• Slippers in supermarkets - put some SHOES on, please.  Some of us are germaphobes, and we don't want to ponder the bottoms of those things on your bedroom carpet after they've just skidded over squashed grapes & Lord only knows what else on Wally World's floor.
• While we're on the subject of shoes, please take yours off before walking on my carpet.  Thankfully we gained this habit while living in the tundra of Buffalo, NY.
• Political debates - leave those at my doorstep, too.  They're not allowed in my house.
• Parents that ignore their children's misbehavior not as a behavioral tactic but because they're lazy - Hop to it, Mama - Little Johnnie's a bleeder!
• Parents who drag their children by one arm in public - come on!  Let me do that to you and see if you like it.  What?  You're shoe came off two aisles back?!  I witnessed this at well, Wally World, of course, and in retrospect I regret simply picking up the shoe and returning it to the angered parental figure.  I should have chucked it at her big noggin'.
• Double dippers.
• Parents who spank in public - if you're going  to spank your kid repeatedly, then please note the rest of us don't want to see what a demon you look like while doing it (Is my stance on spanking clear?  Sorry - I'm not trying to start any debates over here).
• Kids who consistently bully other kids - reserve the spankings for those punks.
• People who are cruel to animals - seriously, grow up.
• People who don't wash their mitts after a pit stop - again, grow up.
• Stating "add cheese" only to find a hamburger in my basket...you charged me $0.25 for it; where is it? 
• Follow the arrows, folks, stop driving the wrong way in parking lots and don't drive slow in the LEFT lane.
• People who snag a parking space from someone who was clearly waiting...my dear hubby desperately wanted to key a sports car one busy Christmas at Target...I said, "There are cameras here."
• I'll refrain from further discussing bad drivers, because my veins are pulsing and I am a self-admitted lead foot who can throw down some road rage like the worst of 'em.
• Over-insertion of one's opinion - if I feel that I need it I will ask.  And no, you are NOT always right.  Sometimes others are worthy of the last word.
• Men in skinny jeans - unless you're the lead singer of Aerosmith or a wayside '80's hair metal band, you don't have a license to do this.
• People who leave a toilet paper roll empty when new rolls are visible.  Wipe, but leave some for the next gal/guy.  Also, place the roll with the paper hanging the right way - DOWN.
• Receiving fruit or coins while trick-or-treating - Kids will chuck those at your house (my big brother taught me that trick).
• Too much yard art - save it for indoors.
• Those lacking in the common sense department.
• Those exposing too much skin poolside - I am all for expressing oneself, but not all of us can pull off string bikinis or Speedos.
• Kids on leashes - Your 2-year old is not a dog.
• When the rules of personal space are broken...ugh...
• Hotel comforters - those bad boys get rolled down at night.  I'd rather be cold than sleep under a germy DNA cloud.
• Burnt meat, especially burnt bacon and the smell it produces...
• Unmade beds.
• When people fail to RSVP by the date stated on an invite.  Come on, budding Marthas need head counts.
• Kids in public wearing only diapers - Parents, 'shirt & shoes required' applies to all ages!
• Outdated food in the grocery store - really, a moldy pie?  You bet I took that one to the Manager of Lowe’s Foods.
• People who are intolerant of other's views, particularly religious ones - that's all I have to say about that.
• Fanatics - left or right - zip it.
• Hunters illegally too close to my property - get your gun out of our residential zone, or I’ll shove it up your tookus.
• Wallpaper - ack!  I've removed enough of it to know that while you think it's pretty as you hang it - it will soon become outdated & a pain in your arse.
• People who don't make eye contact when they're talking to me.  They're hard for me to trust.  Same goes for those dead-fish-wimpy-handshake givers; respect yourself, & firmly grip my hand when you shake it, or I'll have a hard time respecting you.
• HAM.  

Alrighty, this list of my pet peeves is starting to sound absurd.  I am not a negative Nellie.  I try my best not to break the 11th commandment, but let's be honest - it ain't easy.

Next week, if you're kind enough to let me humor you some more (or annoy you with my sourpuss take on society), I'll show you that my cup can be half full by listing the things that turn my curmudgeonly frown upside down.  In the mean time, I will be outwardly tolerant, patient, and kind.